I was fortunate enough to work with Richard Breyer a colleague from the Scottsdale Chamber of Commerce and friend on an article for the Airpark News. In it we discuss our thoughts on moving forward in Scottsdale. Check it out!
http://www.scottsdaleairpark.com/
We are awash in controversy these days and even more so in opinions. Whether it is immigration, school reform, taxes, global warming, etc… , the conversations between regular people and even world leaders often devolves into heated arguments when the realities are we agree on so many points.
In Arizona, we have become the brunt of many jokes and boycotts that are meant to make a point, but will fail because they don’t follow the basic rules for “Crucial Conversations.” I am NOT, repeat, NOT taking sides in the Immigration Bill debate here, what I am taking sides on is the need to have a open and meaningful dialog based on the principles of respectful debate and discourse.
Understanding where we are coming from, wanting to honestly solve the issue (not make a personal crusade), and recognizing the need for safety and honesty in conversation is critical. But sometimes we get it wrong because we allow emotion and personal bias to torpedo the best intended conversations.
But don’t despair, because even the Crucial Conversation experts can get it wrong.
I encourage you to take a look at the following link and see how in a recent blog, David Maxfield of Vital Smarts addresses one of his most recent forays into a crucial conversation gone awry.
Enjoy!!!
http://now.eloqua.com/es.asp?s=567&e=91537&elq=4a3b9bb4a5614a6485179163ae3ff246
Nice. We all want to be liked and respected, right? So, you have to be nice. I’d like to suggest that nice isn’t always the right thing. Sometimes nice has to give way to, I care. And, it’s I care that really gets you liked and respected. What do I mean?
My client, Ralph, has a great business and I am coaching him to get better. A foundational element of our program is time management, in which we seek to prioritize what must get done in order to drive as much efficiency and effectiveness as possible. By doing this we find our clients get 4 to 8 hours a week back!
A highly suspect item appeared on his latest to do list. I pressed him about it’s importance and he balked. I knew he was getting a little uncomfortable because I wasn’t being “nice”. But, my responsibility isn’t to be nice, it‘s to help him get back control of his life. After discussing the item, he agreed it wasn’t a priority and got back 2 hours in his week.
The role of a coach is to help people realize their full potential in their business and personal lives. It often requires doing things that are uncomfortable and clients are resistant to do. It demands that we are not “NICE”, but rather respectful and focused on getting our clients where they need to be. We do it, because we care.
In training we were taught NICE stands for
N – Nothing
I – Inside Me
C – Cares
E – Enough
As a coach, a friend or more importantly a parent, our responsibility is not to always be nice. It is to care. I don’t take on clients that don’t care about their business because they won’t do the hard stuff.
I am frequently accused by my children of not being nice when I bring up the their lateness, their lack of study, or the bad decisions about school, friends or athletics. I often explain to my children that I am not nice all the time, because I care. I care about teaching them what is right, and what is right, is not always nice or easy.
However, under the guise of caring, too many people are rude or disrespectful. They mistake caring as a license for bad behavior.
My friend told me a story. His son is 8 and finds bathing to be optional. He is reminded on regularly that he smells and might want to take a bath. He always says “you are not nice”. Dad explains that sometimes nice doesn’t work and we have to let people know the bad and the good.
The next day the boy’s brother returned from practice on a day it had been 95 degrees. The teenager, yes, stunk! His little brother told him so, by saying “Take a bath you stink like a wet dog!!!” Mom, scolded him for not being nice and boy said but you told me to tell the truth. This is an example of not nice, but also not caring.
Not being nice is also not a license to be rude, or to display the behavior demonstrated in recent town hall meetings, political rallies or protests. The ability to civilly reconcile differences through public discourse and discussion is the foundation of our society. Martin Luther King, Jr. protested to gain equality for all men and women regardless of race, creed, or color. He did so with respect. He was not “nice”, but he was respectful.
The bottom line is that there are times when being nice is not the right thing to do. Whether you are working with clients or children, sometimes the changes and actions we want them to do require us push them into uncomfortable territory. It is not because we are callous or don’t care, rather it is precisely because we do care that we do it.
So coaches, friends and parents, it’s ok not to be nice, as long as you truly care.
In his book, Golf Is A Game Of Confidence Dr. Bob Rotella asks the question, “Which comes first confidence or winning?” He considers whether you can win without confidence and if you need confidence, how do you win? Paradoxically, if no one ever won until they had confidence and confidence came from winning – how do you win for the first time.
My friends and colleagues, winning comes from confidence – the confidence to believe in yourself because you have prepared.
I business and in life, it is the same. Whether you are a coach, a salesman, a public speaker, a politician, a parent or a teacher, confidence comes from the same place. It comes from having a solid understanding of the essential elements that make up what you do, practicing until it is second nature, devising a game plan and then executing.
For example as a teacher, you need to have a thorough understanding of your subject matter, but you must also be able to help others understand it and learn it. Knowing whether a student is a Visual, Auditory or Kinesthetic learner will enable you to communicate more thoroughly.
As a salesperson, knowing your product is only the beginning, you must know your competition, know your customer and understand how he or she buys and how they think about your product. And, you must be able to communicate them clearly, concisely and in a way that highlights the benefits to the user.
It is not enough as a politician to simply know the issues. You must understand the issue, assess opposing points of view and be able to present cogent arguments for your policy (debate the merits). It is critical that you be able to negotiate and tailor solutions that meet the needs of your constituents while not severely disadvantaging others.
The next step is to develop a game plan. For the sportsman, it is literally a game plan. I takes in to account all the what if’s and suggests strategies for executing. A basketball coach might suggest a running game if the other team is know for taking time and executing plays that require set up, to attempt to put the opponent off balance. A golfer would leverage his strongest shots and consider laying up on a long par 5 if he is more adept at striking his mid-irons than his driver.
For the teacher, it is about the lesson plan and the curriculum, as it is for the coach. It is about understanding the essentials of what you want to communicate and how, and the amount of time you want to spend in each area. You might use a linear approach in which each lesson builds on the previous or a more circular one in which you constantly introduce new concepts, but they are tied to the previous.
A salesman has his account plan and sales strategy. It positions products/services, highlights value propositions and benefits, identifies buyers, stakeholders, influencers, etc… and has specific strategies for each. It acknowledges the strengths of the competition but is laser focused on demonstrating the company’s Unique Selling Proposition in a way that the benefits are inescapable.
And a politician might have a platform with key planks of her strategy. It highlights a vision for the future and why by taking on what she suggests they can achieve this mutually beneficial outcome.
The leaders in each field then practice their lectures, strokes, plays, speeches or lessons until they are second nature. So, when it comes to execution they can step up to the situation, evaluate the best course of action, devise a plan and execute it confidently.
Confidence, my friends comes from within! It is knowing that you have practiced to the best of your ability and have prepared. We are all capable of achieving the outcome if we practice and we believe.
I am living proof. I only recently took up the game of golf. I practice the essentials relentlessly: putting, alignment, chipping and pitching. I got lessons and developed a routine and a swing that I can duplicate with meaningful regularity. I know how far I generally hit each club and how well. So when I get to a course I can make a plan for each hole.
Since I know I play my 7 iron well and can hit it consistently 155 to 165 yards, I make sure that I make shot choices that favor this outcome. I also know that within 30 yards of the hole, I can pitch it on without too much trouble and two putt with confidence. So, that is in the plan.
Not long ago, I had a chance to play a local course that is a Par 70. It has some challenging holes with elevation changes, hidden greens and water. Before I went out, I devised a game plan. I leveraged my strengths and planned to avoid my weaknesses.
As a result, when I stepped out onto the first hole and went to swing the driver, I did so with confidence. Not because I am the best driver, but because I understood the situation, made a plan, executed that plan and adjusted as needed. And, when I stepped up to each ball, I followed my routine. I picked the shot, visualized it and then executed.
So, what am I getting at? Confidence is the result of careful planning, relentless practice and a solid game plan that is executed with precision, but allows for the what if’s in life. Whatever your event, a speech, a lesson, surgery, or the all famous Father/Son talk, confidence comes from being prepared and believing in yourself!
Oh, so how did I do? I had a lot of fun, met some really great people… and I shot an 80, 12 strokes better than anything I’d ever done before.
It has been a couple of weeks since my last posting and a lot has happened. Landed new clients, did a radio show, set up my first seminar and contributed articles to several areas. As I reflect, back on what from a coaching perspective is remarkable, I am reminded of a phrase Brian Tracy uses “ The difference between winners and losers, is that winners take the first step.”
I have to say that I spent a great deal of time deliberating (probably too much) on the how’s, when’s and if’s of all of the above, – agonizing on the but what if no one shows up, or what if I freeze on the air, or will this prospect think I am full of it. At the end of the day, I finally decided, “Just Do It”. As a result of this, I have received a number of great new leads, partnership offers and a regular spot on the radio to deliver my message. (Thanks David Campbell and KFNX 1100 AM).
I am not saying that planning is not important: It is. But at the end of the day, all the planning in the world won’t make something happen and all the scenario analysis in the world won’t cause a seminar to be executed. It is only through action and effort that it will.
Business coaching is often as much about giving people confidence to move forward as it is about systems, processes and organization design. Action is the defining moment in which we commit and make things happen. I can’t begin to count the number of people with whom I have worked, played and talked, who were just afraid to do anything. This is particularly true now in this “challenging” economy when people have lost their jobs or are afraid they will. To my friends, colleagues, clients and readers, I cannot emphasize enough that life is a participatory experience. Don’t sit on the side, get in there and make it happen.
Take Phil Mickelson this weekend. stuck in the pine straw at The Masters on the 13th with Lee Westwood and KJ Choi breathing down his neck, Phil had a choice to make… a Tipping Point… a Defining Moment. Lay up or go for it. Phil took action and went for it! The result, he landed the shot 6 feet from the pin and solidly put momentum in his favor and won the 2010 Masters and his 3rd Green Jacket!
So, as a coach, what is my advice. Get out there and do it. Do your research, develop clear objectives/goals and make a plan. Understand what is the worst that could happen and ask yourself, am I ok with that. If no one shows up for the seminar, so what? If you sound odd on the radio, so what? You can’t experience life from the sidelines and you will never get to your destination with just a Flight Plan, you have to take off.
Weekends are great because they provide us with coachable moments that sneak up on you when you are most unaware. This weekend was no exception. This one was provided my youngest child.
My youngest decided to have a sleep over with one of his friends and invite him to our house to stay for the night. Trouble is, he never bothered to inform Mom or Dad. So Saturday morning we head off on our errands in 4 different directions as we have 3 kids and a house to deal with. As I sit at a local BBQ joint with my son, I get a call from my wife informing me that my son’s friend is sitting on the front porch with a backpack and sleeping bag ready for his sleepover!
I turn to my youngest who by now has realized what is going on and proceed to inform him that it would be nice if in the future he would inform us when people are sleeping over, particularly on nights my wife and I have plans to go out. (My approach wasn’t so calm…) Fearing the worst we return home to find the young man waiting for my son and they run off. Convinced this will be a disaster my wife and I attempt to relieve pressure by speaking in hushed tones behind a close laundry room door with two cats waiting outside to use the litter box.
We decide to go with the flow and have faith that everything will come out alright.
We retrieve the other two children from their respective events and inform the oldest (16) that he will be babysitting while we are out. My wife and I convinced we will have a terrible time then go about getting ready for this formal event. We depart resigned to the idea that as long as the house doesn’t burn down and the cats haven’t been dyed purple we will be ok
We return home to find the two boys in bed (on their own) and the house still standing. My oldest, a classic disaster monger, proceeds to inform us that it was possibly the easiest sitting job he has ever had (although he does not volunteer to return the money…) . The next morning goes without a hitch and the young, unexpected visitor is returned to his parent none the wiser of the experience, but extraordinarily grateful. His mom thanks us, informing us that this was his first ever sleepover and he was so excited all week.
What’s the point? The point is, that sometimes we just have to have faith that things will work out. My wife and I initially believed that the worst would happen and we acted and prepared as though it were inevitable. We were tense, angry and couldn’t focus on getting ready for this formal social event. It was only when we decided that we would have faith that it would turn out well that things turned around.
We were able to calmly get dressed. We focused on getting snacks, pizza and drinks ready and having each child set with something to do. We departed and decided that we were going to have a good time that night and let the chips fall where they may. We believed it would turn out ok. And, it did.
What might you ask is so coachable about this? It is precisely this – The Law of Belief or simply put Faith. I am not exclusively talking about Faith as in religion, but rather the compelling belief that things will happen for the positive. It has often been said that “If you believe you can or believe you can’t, either way your are right.” Brian Tracy and Napoleon Hill have both said that the single largest factor in anyone’s ability to achieve greatness is an unwavering faith by that individual in the outcome they desire – That what they think and what they believe are the most powerful influences on success or failure.
When my wife and I had faith that things would turn out for the better and accepted it, we were able to affect the things that made is so. We were able to enjoy ourselves and provide our kids with a calm and rewarding evening, too.
So, despite all the bad news we hear about the economy and business today, I have an unwavering faith that things will turn out better and that my clients will succeed. I encourage you to do the same.
We often take for granted the phrase, you can always learn something. But believe it.
I was in a recent networking event and a fellow coach Mike Leeds got up and talked about networking. Rather than shutdown, I chose to actively listen and he had some great advice. Mike is part of a sales coaching group and he shared his formula for networking which I will share with you here:
A – Attention. Grab someone’s attention. In a networking event you have about 5 to 7 seconds to grab them and pull them in. So make your attention grabber impactful. One I have heard is “You wouldn’t be interested in something that returns 4 to 5 dollars for every dollar invested, would you?” or “When is the worst time to think about insurance – when your house is burning”.
B – Benefit. Make sure you are able to relay what your benefit is. Insurance it is peace of mind. Legal advice – confidence and surety. Coaching – focus and balance…. Your audience must be able to themselves in your benefit. To get to it, ask yourself, So What! Why does my audience/prospect care about what I am saying.
C – Call to Action. So many of us forget that people need to make the next step. You need to clearly tell people what they should do. Call me, email me. Fill out this survey, get a financial plan, make goals…. All these are things that compel you to take action. As many coaches will tell you, on of the major differences between successful people and not successful people is that successful people implement/take action on their plans. Not successful people have excuses for not taking action.
The final thing Mike shared, which I think is cool, is a memory hook. His was excellent – Need sales, get Leeds! (his name is leeds), Mike Leeds. Your peace of mind is our business (Hymson, Goldstein and Pantilliat a local lawfirm) or If you can burn it or crash it we will insure it. If your business needs focus, get FocalPoint Coaching or At FocalPoint your success is our passion!!. All these can help you when people are thinking about an issue.
So there you have it: The ABC’s of networking Attention, Benefit, Call to Action and some advice. You can learn from anyone anywhere and sometimes from your competition.
Week two of the 21 day journey and I am impressed. By following a few simple routines, I find I am able to sleep a bit more soundly (despite the bed being half taken up by two large cats, (18 lb bengal, and 15 lb Maine Coon “kitten”). Here it is:
1. Complete a to do list the night before of what you will do tomorrow.
2. Read over a particularly vexing challenge prior to bed
3. When you awake in the morning choose to read an inspirational bit for 15 to 30 minutes. ( I chose Joel Osteen’s Your Best Life Now a Daily Devotional)
4. I tell myself that today “I feel Terrific 10 times”
It works! I find I sleep more soundly and am quite ready to face the day in the morning with a renewed sense of energy and determination. I also find that by doing the “to do list”, I get more done in less time the next day. This gives me more time for networking which is the heart of my coaching business.
Am I perfect at it, no. But the couple of times that I forgot, I did find that I slept less soundly thinking about what I needed to do.
So, as a business coach and a friend, I recommend you try this. What have you got to lose?
Well, it has been over a week since I started the journey to rising with energy… and. It works! I have to say it works.
Every night before bed, I say, “I feel terrific!” (quietly, because my wife has come to believe I am nuts!!) And when I awake in the morning, I feel like I have more energy than I did before. I then repeat to myself, again “I feel terrific”.
I immediately go to the kitchen make my coffee and read for 15 mins something inspirational. Right now, I am reading Joel Osteen’s Become a Better You. Great stuff.
I feel invigorated and ready to face the day. I tell you it works. Try it, you have nothing to lose and I guarantee it will work for you like it works for me.
So, for the past few months I have been telling prospects and clients to get a positive attitude – Be Victor not a Victim. Well, now I think it is time for me to eat my own cooking. I have decided to embark on a 21 day experiment leveraging Brian Tracy’s advice and incorporating some of the tools of the Vital Smarts team around 6 sources of influence. My goal is to rise earlier and be more awake when I do.
So, as I begin on this journey I will need to decide on how to do this. As Brian suggests, you can fool your mind into feeling a certain way by acting that way. So, if I want to be positive in the morning I will need to convince my subconscious into believing I am feeling terrific. I do this through a conscious application of positive attitude. What does this mean practically.
I will go to bed each night and say to myself 10 times, “I feel terrific”. When I wake up in the morning, I will repeat “I feel terrific”. Then I will head out to the kitchen and “feed my mind with some Rich Golden Content”. So, I will need to choose a book to read each morning to help me be more positive. Something I need to decide on.
Then I will go on throughout my day telling myself that I feel terrific!
Now to get this accomplished, of course, I will need to determine the Vital Behaviors I need execute in order to be successful. My guess is, number one – say the phrase in the evening and then in the morning. Two – put the book out on the counter in the kitchen each night after I have written my goals for the next day with my glasses next to it. (Oh the joys of aging). I must then commit to sit down and do it.
Having identified those behaviors, I must then leverage the six sources of influence. For those of you who don’t know (GET THE BOOK – INFLUENCER: THE POWER TO CHANGE ANYTHING) they lay out as follows:
They are divided into two main categories: Motivation and Ability or if you prefer Will and Skill. They are then further divided into Personal, Social and Structural. Thus you would have the box below
| MOTIVATION | ABILITY | |
| Personal | Make the Undesirable Desirable | Surpass Limits |
| Social | Harness Peer Pressure | Find Strength in Numbers |
| Structural | Design Reward and Accountability | Change the Environment |
Now the trick will be to harness most if not all of them together. The first two boxes are a cinch. I certainly want to and I now have the skills I need. Getting up earlier and more positive gets me to those networking meetings at “0 Dark Hundred” in the morning. And the more meetings the more leads the more clients… so there is some motivation for you!!
As for peer pressure, the best thing for that, men, is a spouse. More clients is more money and more money, well, you get it.
So…. Now it gets a little more difficult. Design the rewards and accountability and change the environment. I will need to work on these.
Well, the key to anything is to get beyond the plan and execute. So, stay tuned and I will let you know how it goes….
